"It's NEVER Easy Hearing That Question"

Being asked from a million different people for the last 6 1/2 years "Why don't you have kids?", or "Don't you guys want kids?", or "What are you guys waiting for?" doesn't make it easier at all, no matter who asks, and how it's asked, to answer those questions!! Every time I reply the same way"Ohhh we're just waiting for when our Heavenly Father blesses us with one.", when really I wanna say "How about you mind your OWN business!" Every time someone asks me that question a part of me cries inside, and even though I hate to admit it........a small part of me wants to question "YES why DON'T I have kids yet?"

Today was different, it was my husband who asked me "WHY DO YOU THINK WE DON'T HAVE KIDS YET?"

To be honest I was shocked because he has never questioned why, it would always be me questioning why. As soon as he asked me I paused and sat for a little bit and without thinking I said "I KNOW we're going to have children someday, now may not be the right time". Than he says "How do you know?", and I said "Because my patriarchal blessing says so".

As we had this short conversation a million thoughts ran through my mind, like "If I don't give you children would you still want me?", "Could you live a life with just the two of us?", or even "Is there much in the future without children?"! Alll silly questions to me now, but staring into my husbands eyes at that moment I could feel his want for a child at that very moment! I too would love a child now, but after wasting the first five years of our marriage thinking about it, I left it to our Heavenly Father!

2011 was the first year I was finally okay with the thought that.........okay we don't have kids now but they will come. I just wanted to tell him do you think I don't want kids, do you think I like taking everyone else's kids and having to return them to their parents at then end of the day? Do you even think I like being a forever aunty and NOT a mommy??? I WANT so much, more than anyone will ever know, to be a mommy, to change diapers, make bottles, rock them til they're asleep, to have those little hands hold my face and tell me they love me, to have someone yell out "MOMMY"?!!! I want all that and more, and I have come a really long way to finally accepting that NOW is just not the right time!!

I hurt when I see parents neglecting their kids, dressing better than their kids, grooming themselves and NOT their kids, or even treating their children like they're a burden! I WANT so badly to have the opportunity to care for another human being and to teach them EVERYTHING that I know and more!!! I am just a little bit emotional about this because I know I'll be a good mother and I would just LOVE to be 100% about my answer the next time someone asks "Why don't you have children yet?"

There's nothing else I can say, but I KNOW that that day will come, the day when my home will be filled with children's laughter, my white walls will be colored with paint, markers, and crayons, and I will look a hot mess everyday from chasing my fat lil children lol, and I will be panicking over every little thing they do and say, although I know today is not that day it will come and THAT puts a smile on my face and chases the tears away!