"My Tears Are Speakers of My Heart"

I can recall almost all the moments in my life when I have cried uncontrollably! The kind of crying where my chest is heaving, where there are so many tears that my vision is blurred, and where you can NOT understand my words.

Last night was one of those moments. I was referred to a blog by one of my best friends. A blog from an individual named Samoana Matagi. What a small world we live in, for I too know Samoana Matagi. I actually just know him as "Sam".

Sam and I know each other through a mutual friend, the details are not important. What's important is that after all these years we are able to reconnect as friends. As I logged on to my laptop and jumped onto my bed, I prepared myself for some good reads. I opened the blog, Samoana (The No-Handed Bandit) Matagi, and started to read. Not even a whole paragraph in and I was captured. Captured by the well written words, the ups and downs and struggles, and especially the emotions that it relay.

My husband was laying next to me listening to me read, and when I stopped, he looked up at me to see why I stopped reading and I was just in tears. I couldn't bring myself to read a single word. It seemed like minutes had passed and I finally brought myself to start reading again. Every word was a struggle to read. The tears were coming down so fast that I had to constantly wipe my tears to be able to see my screen.

Sam is the true definition of a "fighter", a "survivor", one who has been to "hell and back"! A divorcee, who has had BOTH his arms amputated, and STILL testifies of Christ, and continues to look at the positive things in life. Who looks to his mother for strength, the strength to live, and knows that his life was spared to do good on this earth and to be a wonderful example to those who are struggling and feel they can not live anymore!

I can say that I am grateful to know Sam. To know of his struggles, and to know that there is always someone fighting something greater than you are. Like Sam we need to find our purpose of living, reason for fighting when we feel we can't anymore, and to just live!

"No More Judging"

One of the things I regret deeply in my life is not giving enough or hardly EVER to the homeless!

When I was younger I used to walk by the homeless and pretend I didn't see them. I used to think that if I gave them money they would probably use it on drugs, alcohol, sex etc!

It wasn't until a talk was given in church a year ago that opened my eyes to just how WRONG I have been!!! It's not about what they do with the money I give them, it's about me GIVING!!! With no judgement, no negative thoughts, just giving!

This last year I have done just that, It doesn't make me feel any better quite yet, I think I'd have to give for the rest of my life to feel better!

So yesterday when I was running errands I saw 2 different homeless men probably standing a few steps from each other. The first guy I gave $10 to...which wasn't even mine LOL, so I will have to replace it hahhha (people don't leave money in my car). The second guy I saw I felt kind of guilty, I had no more cash on me...BUT I did remember that I had Oreo's in my back seat! It couldn't all fit in the missionaries package that I sent the day before so I honked my horn at him and he came running and I gave him some oreo's! He actually looks exactly like this guy .............

I will never ever ever judge another.........whether or not they use the money the way I would want them to it's not up to me. If they have to stand on a corner and hold a sign, in the cold, than THAT in itself is calling for help! If we think that the next car will help, than think again!! It starts with us, one person at a time!!!! I NEED those blessings!!!!

"It's NEVER Easy Hearing That Question"

Being asked from a million different people for the last 6 1/2 years "Why don't you have kids?", or "Don't you guys want kids?", or "What are you guys waiting for?" doesn't make it easier at all, no matter who asks, and how it's asked, to answer those questions!! Every time I reply the same way"Ohhh we're just waiting for when our Heavenly Father blesses us with one.", when really I wanna say "How about you mind your OWN business!" Every time someone asks me that question a part of me cries inside, and even though I hate to admit it........a small part of me wants to question "YES why DON'T I have kids yet?"

Today was different, it was my husband who asked me "WHY DO YOU THINK WE DON'T HAVE KIDS YET?"

To be honest I was shocked because he has never questioned why, it would always be me questioning why. As soon as he asked me I paused and sat for a little bit and without thinking I said "I KNOW we're going to have children someday, now may not be the right time". Than he says "How do you know?", and I said "Because my patriarchal blessing says so".

As we had this short conversation a million thoughts ran through my mind, like "If I don't give you children would you still want me?", "Could you live a life with just the two of us?", or even "Is there much in the future without children?"! Alll silly questions to me now, but staring into my husbands eyes at that moment I could feel his want for a child at that very moment! I too would love a child now, but after wasting the first five years of our marriage thinking about it, I left it to our Heavenly Father!

2011 was the first year I was finally okay with the thought that.........okay we don't have kids now but they will come. I just wanted to tell him do you think I don't want kids, do you think I like taking everyone else's kids and having to return them to their parents at then end of the day? Do you even think I like being a forever aunty and NOT a mommy??? I WANT so much, more than anyone will ever know, to be a mommy, to change diapers, make bottles, rock them til they're asleep, to have those little hands hold my face and tell me they love me, to have someone yell out "MOMMY"?!!! I want all that and more, and I have come a really long way to finally accepting that NOW is just not the right time!!

I hurt when I see parents neglecting their kids, dressing better than their kids, grooming themselves and NOT their kids, or even treating their children like they're a burden! I WANT so badly to have the opportunity to care for another human being and to teach them EVERYTHING that I know and more!!! I am just a little bit emotional about this because I know I'll be a good mother and I would just LOVE to be 100% about my answer the next time someone asks "Why don't you have children yet?"

There's nothing else I can say, but I KNOW that that day will come, the day when my home will be filled with children's laughter, my white walls will be colored with paint, markers, and crayons, and I will look a hot mess everyday from chasing my fat lil children lol, and I will be panicking over every little thing they do and say, although I know today is not that day it will come and THAT puts a smile on my face and chases the tears away!

BAD attitude = BAD Valentines

I am one who LOVES every holiday. So I tend to have high expectations when the holidays come around!

I didn't want to waste a blog on writing about Valentines because it was the worst one yet! NOT because of my husband but because of my horrible attitude!

We worked, played cards, and I LOST a bet so I had to cook dinner! And I was so mad at my husband because I "thought" he cheated!!! I never learn my lesson.....i'm always betting on cards LOL....never money just chores, items, ect. My good friend Leti told me "Didn't you learn you should never make bets with the devil?" sooo TRUE I should just stop lol!!

So there goes my attitude, ignoring him and all! We get off and I start cooking fish and pork chops!! Dinner was actually really REALLY good....but like my husband said "This dinner would be so much better if there was some conversation"!!

He's so right....WHY do I have to be such a brat!! It's NOT all that serious!! So we ate, laid in bed, and he just held me and asked what was wrong with me!!! All I said...with a sigh.... was I guess I just had too many expectations!! I mean hellooooo it is Valentines Day!! And seriously what does that even mean??? I guess it wasn't about the cards, it started there, but it was so much more to me!

Well he put me right in my place....he asked me well what did you do for me?, BESIDES cooking because I had to for losing a bet! Ummmmm WOW I didn't do ANYTHING either!! I felt so bad, and I had NO argument!! My poor husband, WHY does he even put up with me sometimes!!???

Well we got out of bed, and went to get some chocolate chip cookies with MJ! We came and went to sleep!

I went to bed thinking I ruined Valentines!!! BUT according to my husband Valentines is everyday!! Isn't that the truth!!?? YES it is.....and I promised myself the next morning I will NEVER ever ever have ANY expectations for Valentines.....loving each other 365 days in the year is waaayyyy enough for me!! Although I love Valentines, I love my husband a million more times than ANY holiday!

I've kissed his face a million times after, told him I love him a million times, and hope it mended my broken heart! Broken heart from being such a witch to him!!

I'm grateful that I have someone to love and an amazing someone that is!! When I have an attitude I waste time that I could have had loving my husband, my one and only, my better half, my VALENTINE!!!!

Lesson Learned!!!

"Never Too Busy For Us"

This past weekend was yet another busy busy weekend.....but through it all one small and simple moment touched my heart!

Before I get there let me begin by sharing our (me and my husband) 3-day weekend, that seemed like a whole week...memories that will last a lifetime!

Here is exactly how our weekend panned out!

Friday February 4, 2012:

Today is the day I was finally going to see my cousin, sister, and partner in crime....Mrs. Letasha Darling Patane Soliai! A surprise birthday party was set at the Piermont Place in downtown SLC for just a few family members and friends.

Tasha moved here while we were in the youth. Little did we know we'd be inseparable, and also related!! Me and Tasha have been through so much together, we've seen each other through the best and worst! We know everything about each other and still love each other no matter what. Now that she is an NFL wife and lives in Florida I cherish the small moments we have together.

Alright well my husband and I closed our office, packed our bags, and we were off to the "Dirty 30" party..lol! We arrive and wait for the birthday girl. I am just so anxious to see her! I haven't seen her since August!! So the moment is finally here we're going to hang out alllll night!!!! And from the moment she walked in it was like we were young teenagers again! We ate, reminisced, laughed, cried, and danced til the place shut down!! At times it seemed like we were the only ones there! We're really good at making our own fun...lol!! We even did karaoke....and if you know us you know we do NOT sing haha!! The night was coming to an end and she wouldn't let me go anywhere but to where she was staying...which was at the Grande America Hotel!! Okaayyyy that was waayyy out of my everyday life!! lol....well she booked a room for my husband and I for the weekend, no questions asked!!


The party was super fun and now we were off to the hotel at almost 4am!! We arrive at the hotel and I just couldn't sleep! We had a baptism to be at...at 9am in Tooele and I just couldn't sleep! I felt like I was dreaming. My husband and I just stayed up enjoying the room, the view, the room service...LOL!! My favorite part would be the phone that was next to the toilet....hahah!! Me and Tasha talked a lot while I was in the bathroom...lol! Well 5:45 was rolling around and we were still up.....and we had to be up at 7:00am for my nieces baptism. We finally forced ourselves to sleep at 6am!!

Saturday, February 5th, 2012:

With only an hour of sleep I popped right up and started to get ready and iron my husbands clothes. We got to Tooele around 8:35, baptism started around 9:20. We helped set up as guests and family arrived, and the baptism began. Conducting was a member of their ward, Asonei (my 1st cousin) conducted the music, my husband spoke on Baptism, I spoke on the Holy Ghost, and Eric Selu (my 1st cousin) performed the baptism, and my dad did the confirmation. Kyra-Kaylana Hope Tito's baptism was absolutely perfect. I was so proud of my cousin Eric for baptizing Kyra. The spirit was definitely present, and the love showed by all the guests was overwhelming. I snapped a couple photos then we were off to our next event for the day!



We arrive at the hotel to change our clothes and lo and behold our friends and family are sitting in the lobby waiting for the Los Angelas Lakers to walk by!!! Well tonight was the Utah Jazz game vs. the Los Angelas Lakers!! And hello I'm a HUGE Jazz fan BUT the Lakers were in the SAME hotel as me....how can I NOT try and see these celebrities...LOL!! Well I changed, re-did my makeup and waited for the Lakers in the lobby, and in doing that I missed another party!! Well we waited for about an hour and everyone was restless so they left....and as soon as they left here comes the Lakers!! I was in shock, I was star struck!! You know I always have my camera, so I got the chance to take pictures with Mr Kobe Bryant himself Paul Gasol and Matt Barnes!! They were really nice and not Jerks like "World Peace". Now that I was done playing groupie we were off to our next event.


We were now off to Soni Olives farewell dinner, called to serve a full-time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints! I didn't have a chance to get a picture with him so this ----------> will have to do...LOL!! The place was packed and many testimonies were shared!! Kissed baby Lavona and we were off to another event.



Before arriving at Aarons 17th Birthday Bash we stopped off to visit with our cousins Enna Afo, Rocky Afo, and their three handsome boys!! We FINALLY got to meet David Afo...the newest addition to their growing family! We had only a few hours to spend with them but those few hours was much needed!! We laughed, did a lot of catchin up, and ate dinner that Rocky cooked....from KFC!! hahaha. I LOVE Enna...Rocky did prettyyyyy good!!! Said our goodbyes...and we were off....



What a Saturday!! We were now headed to our last party for the night....my nephew Aaron Reupena!! He was turning 17!!! I can't believe it.........I've watched him and known him since he was a toddler!! The party was nothing less of perfection!! His mom and dad did an awesome job. From the decorations, to the food, the music, and entertainment!! You can tell by the amount of guests that were present that he is a very VERY loved young man!! He has grown to be smart, athletic, and a great example! After some dancing, a lot of eating and mingling, we were ready to KNOCK out!!!! And we were off.........

Sunday, February 6th, 2012:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning waking up at the Grande America Hotel! We got dressed, and it was a bit sad to know we were finally checking out!! Valet pulled our car up for the last time and we were off to Ray and Moni Feinga's blessing!! We pulled up right in time to hear the blessings! Ray was blessed by Uncle Myron Vea and Moni was blessed by Coach Al (Ray's football coach..like a second father). The blessing was beautiful BUT what had me and kind of threw me off guard was a certain testimony that was shared!! All the testimonies that were shared that morning were beautiful......BUT one voice drew me back in to the chapel! It was my cousin Kassie Afo Feinga. Kassie is my husbands cousin on the Samoan side. Kassie is not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but there she was baring her testimony in front of this crowded church. Through her non-stop tears, and testifying of her testimony, and her savior, I too felt tears come down and a warm, over-bearing feeling came over me. Kassie testified that although she was not a member of our church she knew it to be TRUE, that her savior loves her, that he has blessed her, and that although her testimony was small and weak...she STILL has a testimony!! After what seemed like a very long weekend, that was all I needed to hear to end our weekend right!!! If that wasn't a missionary moment than I don't know what is!! My love for my savior grew just as my testimony did at that very moment!!! I am soooo grateful for her testimony, that shows that no matter how you live your life, member or non-member, our savior loves his children regardless!! I hope and pray that the missionaries take advantage of this moment...as well as our own family members!!!
With a lunch afterwards at Golden Coral provided by the Feingas, I am forever grateful to a wonderful end to a wonderful weekend!!! Through the busyness my Savior is never too busy to remind me of what's important and that he is ALWAYS there!!

THE CHURCH IS TRUE I CAN NOT DENY IT!!!!!

"What's The GOOD in Goodbye....?"

As I begin to write about what seems like the loonnnggeeessttttt four days of my life I can't help but get a little emotional. Miss Christina To'i Mapu opened her call on Christmas Eve in front her family. As she read "You have been called to serve in the Jackson, Mississippi mission", tears rolled down her cheek, she paused, took a moment in, and realized THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING! It was at that very moment that I thought..."How will it be at family events not seeing her beautiful smile or hear her contagious laughter or her dancing just because?"

Well we now had 36 days until her Sunday farewell program, 38 days until her SLC open house, and ONLY 39 days until she reports to the MTC (Missionary Training Center). The next month flew by and the farewell process began.......

On Friday January 27, 2012 after we laid our Aunty Lita to rest, my husband and I, TJ, Gene, Tina, Ofa's lil family, and Kingas lil family, all hopped in our cars and took off to Vegas to hang out for her last weekend and to attend her Farewell Program the coming Sunday. Little did we know that her best friends, and close family would also do the same. She is just THAT loved!!

On Sunday January 29th, 2012 at the Mountain Valley Ward, which is usually small, was packed from front to back. The overflow was filled, and soon after the gym. Tina's ward sat in amazement as their chapel filled up. A musical number by Tina and siblings and cousins started the program off just right...the spirit was so strong. And now the moment we all waited for, she walks up to the podium, tissue in one hand, scriptures in the other, and she begins! Tina spoke of Christ, having a strong foundation, and how she waited a long time for this moment. She laughed, cried, and most importantly testified that God Lives and the Church is TRUE!!! I was so proud of her......there isn't a single memory of her that I have where she isn't doing just that.....testifying and being a great example!!!! After her program as I stood up and turned around I was amazed with all the support from friends and family, you could feel the love.



Well now that we were spiritually fed, we were now about to get PHYSICALLY FED, I mean it's what we do BEST....LOL!!!! My husband and his dad doin one of the many things they do BEST...BBQ!! If you know Tina than you KNOW that she is a total daddy's girl. Dad will do anything for his baby girl! Cooking for her all day, and making sure her guests had enough to eat. The house, in and out, was packed with friends and family from Vegas all the way to Utah and California.





The Vegas open house was a success!! Laughter, friends, family, food, oh and did I say food??? hahahah This day is what I imagine she pictured it to be!!




It was now time for us to head to her set apart and they asked that only a few family members come...BUT try telling that to a million aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, parents, and cousins that have waited for this moment!! Well we arrive at the Stake Presidents home and from the moment we walked in you could feel a strong spirit there. President gathered dad, uncle Frank, Uncle Joe, and ministered her blessing to be set apart as a full time missionary. The moment right before the blessing the stake president looks at us and says, "When we're done she will be an official missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints". At that moment I looked at mom (my mother-in-law) and big tears just started to flow.....there was one proud momma sitting there! The prayer was so beautiful, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. As the prayer finished and she stood up I could see the glow in her eyes and I knew she would be one of the BEST sister missionaries that Mississippi has ever met.



Monday January 30th, 2012, we all hop back in our cars and head back to Utah! On Tuesday January 31st, 2012 at the Hampton Inn in Salt Lake City there is an Open House for all the family and friends who could not make it to Vegas. I mean my in-laws are like related to the whoollleee WORLD!!...lol NO JOKE!! It was no surprise to me when I arrived (really late..lol) that the room was full to capacity!!! It was another night full of fun, laughter, family, friends, and FOOD!!! This girl is truly LOVED!!



Wednesday February 1st, 2012, this is it, the day has come, she's leaving us!!! I woke up early, opened our office, made sure my camera was charged. The moment had come so fast, that by the time I had finally realized she was leaving my eyes had already started to water. We all stood on the temple grounds taking our last pictures with Sister Christina Mapu, and than it was time to say our goodbyes!! I am NOT good at goodbyes....BUT I knew this was far more important than anything she has ever done. Than a thought comes to mind that my nephew Elder Peters shared....She will sacrifice only 18 months of her life so that families could be together for ETERNITY!! So I guess this is a good GOODBYE!!! I hugged her tight, kissed her, cried, and cried again as we watched her drive away. I pray that our Heavenly Father may watch over her and keep her safe and return her back to us after the Lord's work is done!!! I LOVE you Sister Christina Mapu with all my heart!!!
~~Your favorite Sis-inlaw...lol (jk Pam and Trish)~~