~Relapse~

It's been about 10 months since I've blogged about my feelings about not having children. About seven months later we have General Conference, and  what do you know...we're asked to speak in church. TOPIC: General Conference talks. First thing that came to mind was Elder Eyrings talk, "Where Is The Pavilion". In his talk he spoke of his daughter in laws longing for another child. She had three children, the youngest started school, there was a void in her home. She wasn't excited about acquaintances getting pregnant, and questioning why they haven't had another child yet. So of course this talk popped into my head. BUT knowing how I am, I cry too much, AND might I add it's not pretty (lol). So I tried avoiding the topic, but when I prayed for confirmation, I received confirmation that this would be the topic I was to speak on.


So there I was speaking on Sunday about something so close to my heart, something so personal, and it felt really good! I was fine, I've left it up to the man upstairs, than I took some steps and FINALLY made an appointment with my DR., got on some pills, and I thought "alright this is great, time to move on"......

And than something happened, The Odd Life Of Timothy Green happened! For months I have been fine, no crying, no wondering, no what ifs, no focusing on what we didn't have, and than this past Saturday we watched The Odd Life Of Timothy Green!!! And I relapsed, just for a moment.

 If you haven't seen this movie........well I'm about to spoil it! A couple at the beginning of the movie is told they will never be able to bare their own children. So they cry, question, get angry, than try and move on. The wife tells her husband "That's it, we move on", and he tells her "Not tonight, we can move on tomorrow, but tonight we create a child". So they make this awesome list, a list of all the wonderful and amazing qualities they want their child to have. They put it in a box, bury it, and move on. That night Timothy appears from the earth and is given to them for a short time. And in that short time, they were AMAZING! They were exactly what I picture my husband and I would be when given the chance to be parents. We'd be fun, understanding, loving, caring, over-protective, humorous, creative, silly, and playful! We'd love that child so much that he would want to be with us every minute of the day.

I fell so hard, my eyes were wet most the movie, and when it ended I went to the bathroom and just cried, eyes full of tears, and face buried in my hands. Like the husband in the movie I just needed that one night, to cry, to think about my future children, than move on, move on to doing the things I have been doing to fill my time, to serve others, and focus on what I have right now, my husband! Thank you Timothy Green, a fictional character with a Non Fictional purpose! Forever touched!

What a NIGHTMARE!

My mom passed away, and I wasn't there.

I laid on the pile of dirt over her grave 

and I buried my face in the pile that lay 

over my mother 

begging her to come back.

Why wasn't I there when you needed me?

Why did you leave me so soon?

Mom PLEASE come back to me!!!

I can't live without you mom

If only I was there I could've saved you!!

******

These were all things that came to me in a dream late Sunday night as I slept.

I had a dream my mother passed away

and I wasn't there.

I dreamt that I layed on her grave and cried 

and screamed and begged her to come back to me.

I remember feeling guilty that I wasn't there when I was supposed to be.

And I could literally feel the pain

from the thought that my mother had passed!

It felt so real to me that I woke in a panic and 

started feeling my face for tears

than I called my mom.

Hearing her voice that morning was one of the 

BEST sounds I could 

have ever heard

at that moment.

My heart slowed down

the sweat from my palms dried

and I could once again breath.......

What a nightmare that was!

I honestly don't know what I would do without my mother

one of the greatest examples to me!!!

The woman who made us all feel like

we were rich when we were young,

even though we were poor.

The woman who would always put my food aside

because I was her only child that didn't like onions and vegetables.

The woman who calls me everyday to play cards,

who is my midnight coupon partner,

the woman who always waited up for me

to make sure I was safe!!

THIS woman I could not live without!!

Thank goodness that was just a nightmare!!!

I LOVE you mom!!!

Learning to Love ME

Well it's been quite a while!! I've missed you, my Blog that is!!

From the last time I've blogged a lot has changed/happened in the last 6 weeks!!!

I am now an employee of jetBlue

I have a child living in my home

MJ has turned 7

Mother's Day happened

Freinds have disappointed me 

Made a lot new friendships

My respect for my husband has grown

Prayers have increased

And after many years I was able to be with my 1st cousins, who I shared my childhood with, all in ONE place!

I will slowly but surely get to all that good stuff sometime.

Someone once told me that when I turned 30 that my body would change. I would not be able to do things that I was able to do in my 20's. Well let me tell you it's been 5 months since the time I turned 30, and although my body isn't perfect, I am still waiting for that "change".

If anything is different, it's the way I feel about my body, my life, the person I have become.

At 30 I truly find myself more and more in love with me, not just any ME, but the ME that I have become!  Instead of standing in a mirror for hours each morning figuring out how to suck that tummy in, or hide those thunder thighs, or what color to wear to make me appear smaller, or even what under garments to wear to hold things in, and how to do my hair to hide those cheeks, I now look in the mirror and thank God that WOW I'm alive, my husband thinks I'm beautiful, and I now, after so long, love the mirror!!

I have been blessed with a mouth to compliment others.

 Two arms to hug someone. 

Two hands that allow me to work at two jobs.

 Two feet that get me around.

Two eyes to see just how beautiful I really am.

And one heart that beats, and loves unconditionally.

If anything, at 30, I'd say that your mind will be quicker, your words a little kinder, your heart a little bigger, your love a little stronger, your goals a little more focused, and your life will be absolutely a little better!!

I can not truly love others if I don't love myself first!!!!

"Disappointed......."

Tonight was a warm Monday evening. It's actually one of my favorite nights. It is Family Home Evening night! A night dedicated to spending with my little family, to teach one another, talk with one another, and to especially love one another. A chance to invite others over and share our love, message, and spirit with!

Tonight my Native American sisters came over and made us a wonderful fry bread dinner. My husband made dessert and I taught the lesson. In our home tonight was Gene (my lil brother), Toa (my nephew), Muzz (our friend), Billie and her husband Felipe (friends), and my husband.

Every Family Home Evening after the song, scripture, thought, and lesson my husband and I take turns speaking. It is usually about our week, how our past weekend was, how we can be better, what can we do different, discussing our goals, and than of course expressing our love for one another and whoever is in our home at the time! Well tonight as we went around the room giving everyone a chance to speak, we get to Muzz, who is a non-member, and as she spoke I could feel tears coming down. Just as they are right now. Muzz thanked us for inviting her over and for loving her no matter our differences. Differences of our Religions and beliefs. But what really got to me is when she said that it is hard for her to find friends around here who will accept her for her, a non-member!

HOW could people be so close minded!? I told Muzz I loved her because it was the right thing to do, not because of what she believes or doesn't believe! My heart ached for her, and I just started crying. I could not believe that this beautiful, smart, funny, athletic girl had a hard time finding friends JUST because of her difference in religion. If anything, WE are the ones that should be embracing her, not only her but everyone who doesn't believe in what we Latter-Day Saints believe. Our duty isn't to judge, it's just to love. How are we supposed to bring the lost sheep to the fold if we can't even love them before we know them???

All we need to know about this beautiful girl is that she is a daughter of God.

Our Heavenly Father has said in very plain terms that he who says he loves God and does not love his brother is not truthful.

There needs to be more love!

"SO INNOCENT"

I believe everything happens for a reason. If Sister Kuaea (my friend and neighbor) didn't leave town for the weekend I would have never had the AMAZING opportunity to teach the CTR 6 Class. Sweet, Little, Smart, and very VERY funny primary children, whose ages range from 6-7.

I sure did NOT know what I was in for. If I would've known class was going to be sooo entertaining I would have recorded it...hahahahha!!!!!

LESSON:

"Jesus Christ Was a Child Like Me"

PURPOSE:
To Strengthen the children's desire to be like Jesus Christ by increasing their knowledge of Jesus' childhood.

The lesson is full of discussions, questions, examples of how they have many similarities with Jesus as a child. And so it began, the spirit was definitely present, and I think the spirit was entertained, just as I was. Here we gooooooo......let me introduce these precious spirits!!

NAME: Mataira Brown
AGE: 6...says he's almost 7
PARENTS: Kohlyne and Sasha Brown
FAVORITE FOOD: Pizza
WHAT I LEARN AT HOME: "Clean my moms bed" lol. Since his mom is my cousin I told him, "your mom should clean her own bed" hahahah.
DADS OCCUPATION: Has no clue. So I told him "your dads a lawyer", in response, he just rolled his eyes..haha





NAME: Rayli Galea'i
AGE: 6
PARENTS: Mili & Raymond Galea'i
FAVORITE FOOD: Fruits
DESCRIPTION OF HOME: She says "Outside is brown, and inside is alllllll white!"
WHAT I LEARN AT HOME: "The Gospel"
DADS JOB: "My dad works at the BYU hospital"
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In the middle of class "Miss Aloha" stands up and starts doing a hula!! hahahha
At the beginning of class she says "I'm in a different class, I switched to be in this class today" OMG this girl is too funny!!
And when Konrad named the 1st Pres of the United States she raises her hand and says "I know who the 16th president is, it's Abraham Lincoln"....Rayli is so smart!


NAME: Rita Jennings
AGE: 6
PARENTS: Norma & Lucky Jennings
FAVORITE FOOD: Fruits
WHAT I LEARN AT HOME: "When me and my mom are watching tv and we see a shake in the movie my mom always says "that's what I do at work...make shakes"" lol "That's what I learn"
MY MOMS JOB: "She makes the shakes"
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Rita was so reverent in class, she raised her hand for every question, and she had lots and lots of questions!! Hmmm she must get that from her dad hahha!!!




NAME: Luke Atuaia
AGE: 7
PARENTS: Sara & Donny Atuaia
FAVORITE FOOD: Chicken
DADS JOB: "He's a teacher, and he teaches Spanish"
WHAT I LEARN AT HOME: "I learn the scriptures, and my dad teaches me Spanish too"
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We talked about not doing bad things because Jesus didn't do bad things. One of the bad things Luke said we shouldn't do is COMMIT ADULTERY!
LUKE: "Can I tell the class what that means?"
ME: Ummm sure. (lol)
LUKE: Committing adultery means that when you get married you should only love the person that you get married to and no one else".....aww this was so sweet!! Great job Luke!
As soon as Luke asked to explain, Konrad yells "Nooottttt again!", while Rayli plugs her ears!! Hahahha

Luke knew every answer, and Konrad said it was because "He has a lot of church movies and he watches them alllllllllllllll the time" (while rolling his eyes) hahahahah

NAME: Konrad Taotua
AGE: 6
PARENTS: Eugenia & Fui Taotua
FAVORITE FOOD: Bruce Lee Cake
WHAT I LEARN AT HOME: The scriptures and Bruce Lee.
MY DADS JOB: "He makes lots and LOTS of money", "I'm poor so I want a job so I can be rich" hahhahaha
DESCRIPTION OF HOME: "My house looks like an aquarium, it's where all the animals come"
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ME: "Who is the Prophet?"
KONRAD: "Thomas S Monson, AND I know George Washington was the first President of the United States, and Barrack O Bama is the United States president right now"
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ME: Class what treats would you like next Sunday since you guys were so good today?
Kids: Cupcakes, candy, rice krispies, etc
Konrad: "I don't want treats, I don't want to be diabetic" hahahahahah
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These kids have probably taught me more than they know. In the process of teaching them, they taught me so many things. I understand more fully Mosiah 3:19 "...........becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

These precious gifts from Heaven are just so perfect to me. I do believe we should all be like little children. For they love without question, forgive without hesitation, answer questions honestly, and strive to be just like Jesus .

Through all the laughter and shouting of "I WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT", I found myself shouting "I WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT". These little children learned that they have parents like Jesus, they eat foods like Jesus, they learn in the home like Jesus, they have hard working parents like Jesus, they have a bed to sleep in like Jesus, they have friends like Jesus, and that they definitely love like Jesus.

I am forever grateful for the opportunity I had to teach them. I can just imagine the love and care they add to each and every one of their homes to make it a little piece of Heaven! I love these kids and admire their parents and teachers who have taught them well!!!

"......BECOMETH AS A CHILD......."

"Hypnotic Eyes"

Getting ready for bed tonight I fell on my knees to get ready for prayer, which is our usual routine. And as usual my husband is still on the bed waiting for me to say "Knees hunny!". As I looked up at him to tell him, his eyes caught my eye! The light was shining on those beautiful caramelish-walnut eyes! The eyes that I fell in love with. I just stared at him and I asked him NOT to move so I can keep staring at him. And of course he moved....LOL!I mean seriously.....LOOK at those beautiful eyes!! ^^^^^^^^^

We said prayer and right before turning off the lights I held his face in my hands and just stared into his eyes. I guess I love them so much not only for the beauty of them but for the memories that it gives me.

When my husband and I first started dating there was this moment that I will never forget. We were driving around West Valley one day (his hometown). It was a sunny, beautiful day. I loved looking at him while he drove, which drove him nuts LOL. As he turned to tell me to stop staring at him, the sun hit his eyes and it was the first time I realized just how light brown his eyes were. They were absolutely beautiful. If silky caramel was a color THAT is what it would look like!

From that day I would always stare into his eyes. There's something about those eyes that hypnotizes me every time! My knees get weak and my heart skips a beat! I just LOVE those eyes of mine!

"My Tears Are Speakers of My Heart"

I can recall almost all the moments in my life when I have cried uncontrollably! The kind of crying where my chest is heaving, where there are so many tears that my vision is blurred, and where you can NOT understand my words.

Last night was one of those moments. I was referred to a blog by one of my best friends. A blog from an individual named Samoana Matagi. What a small world we live in, for I too know Samoana Matagi. I actually just know him as "Sam".

Sam and I know each other through a mutual friend, the details are not important. What's important is that after all these years we are able to reconnect as friends. As I logged on to my laptop and jumped onto my bed, I prepared myself for some good reads. I opened the blog, Samoana (The No-Handed Bandit) Matagi, and started to read. Not even a whole paragraph in and I was captured. Captured by the well written words, the ups and downs and struggles, and especially the emotions that it relay.

My husband was laying next to me listening to me read, and when I stopped, he looked up at me to see why I stopped reading and I was just in tears. I couldn't bring myself to read a single word. It seemed like minutes had passed and I finally brought myself to start reading again. Every word was a struggle to read. The tears were coming down so fast that I had to constantly wipe my tears to be able to see my screen.

Sam is the true definition of a "fighter", a "survivor", one who has been to "hell and back"! A divorcee, who has had BOTH his arms amputated, and STILL testifies of Christ, and continues to look at the positive things in life. Who looks to his mother for strength, the strength to live, and knows that his life was spared to do good on this earth and to be a wonderful example to those who are struggling and feel they can not live anymore!

I can say that I am grateful to know Sam. To know of his struggles, and to know that there is always someone fighting something greater than you are. Like Sam we need to find our purpose of living, reason for fighting when we feel we can't anymore, and to just live!